New Year's Eve

I have to face the facts right now that compared to most anybody who is reading this blog, my bringing in the New Year of '09 was dismal. I was huddled in a sleeping bag, fully clothed, underneath three large blankets and shivering. I came down with a fever during our bus ride to Dakhla Oases and had been chattering away/burning up for the past five hours.

I remember sitting there thinking, "Hmmm... It could always be worse. I could be wet and in the middle of nowhere right now. I guess this isn't so bad." Once I got done feeling sorry for myself that I wasn't with my traveling buddies at our hotel New Year's party out at the desert I decided to do some reflecting on my last year.

Up until I'd been in Egypt for a month I was emotionally disconnected and was for the most part what I would describe as the most insecure I've been in the course of my life. I don't know why, but my year at Walla Walla was hard on me. Perhaps, it was the fact that I'd gone from being the "Big Fish" at my high school to a seeming nobody or maybe it was that I'd left my complete support system behind- my family, teachers, coaches, teammates, swim team that was my world, and a lot of the people who knew me best.

It was hard being at school and not having something to pour myself into that gave so much back emotionally, physically, and nearly spiritually. I didn't have the clarity of mind to realize that my academics would of partially provided me with a sense of achievement and so I just, in less than elequont terms, "half-assed" it all the way through a rigorous set of academics.

I also approached any relationship with the same mentality. I floated from relationship to relationship without any real plan for responsibility. I was just trying to find a quick answer to emotional deprivation and so I ended up hurting other people while continuing to spiral downward. I will be honest that at times I still crave these "quick-fix" relationships because they've been my way of coping for five years and they're highly addicting.

Another thing that sticks out in my mind as being really monumental is the fact that I had a habit of taking things really personally. If somebody didn't say hi to me then I would consider it as a personal attack on myself becuase I must've been doing something wrong to them. I would then usually go into this ridiculous quest to get them to like me or I'd be hurt when they didn't show me attention when I'd see them becuase there was something "wrong" with me.

So far this experience has been tough and it has been full of hardwork, but I have to say that the lessons I'm still learning have made it a small price to pay.

For what seems like the first time in a long time, I'm motivated to go and work hard because I enjoy it. Working hard isn't a something that "Oh, I HAVE to do that" but it is more of a "Hey, I'm going to get a lot of satisfaction out of doing a good job on this, let's do it!" I feel truly motivated because I see why I want to work and I'm enjoying it. I don't want to go out and "kick butt" at something to make other people think I'm such a great person, but because I want to do for myself. I'm finally beginning to understand internal motivation because I've had enough of the old way- being happy is impossible when I do things that way.

Relationships aren't as much as a concern for me anymore. A lot of the reason behind that is that it is territory I will not tread on in a foreign country. There is no way I would date an Egyptian girl becuase it would be absolute suicide to my development. I'm tired of shallow relationships and I know that a cross-cultural, long distance relationship WOULD NOT WORK! A part of me says, "never say never Eric," but I don't even care at this point. Freedom from my traditional habits is what my heart truly longs for and nothing will distract me from that goal. One day I want to be married and when that day comes I want that girl to get my 100% because that's what she will deserve.

Finally, I feel liberated from taking things so personally. I still think I'm that I'm overly sensitive to other people's criticism, but I'm developing for today and that is all that matters to me. I can't be an effective teacher if I'm taking my students personally. It seems funny to me how my patience and understanding of dealing with other people has changed. I think daily speaking with 14-23 years olds has made me realize there are some students that it will be impossible for me to please. The saying, "You can't win 'em all" comes to mind, but I honestly don't care if I do or not. It's not my job for my students to like me and be my pals, but my job is to give them my all by teaching them the best I can. If they don't like me, so be it, I cannot control that. If they do like me, so be it, somehow they found a way to enjoy my obscure personality.

As I sat there underneath my blankets I began to take pleasure in my given condition. The thought that I was going to be absent from my norm for the Holidays didn't seem so irritating. I began to realize that I'd come a long way in a short four months. Many of the things that used to be so monumental are now trivial in my book.

I know that I'm still a "crude product" but the fact that I'm not refined doesn't bother me. I'm "OK" with me today and I'm moving forward. I'm seeking refinement for today and that is all I can do. I wish you a Happy New Year as you move forward as well!